RETURN OF THE BLOG
I can’t believe that it’s been 3½ months since my last posting! Sorry. I was at Costco and made the mistake of getting in line behind someone buying an apartment complex. And then, just as he got up to the register, he realized it was missing 3 parking spaces and a swimming pool. Lucky he caught it when he did. The only thing longer than the lines at Costco is the line for RETURNS at Costco.
But I’m back now, at least for a month or so (I’m scheduled to have a nervous breakdown in June, but I haven’t gotten the time off work yet, so that’s still kinda up in the air…)
In any case, just before Christmas I self-published a book of some of my comedy essays and other humorous pieces, including a short play and even a crossword puzzle. Why, you might ask, would I deem to bestow this literary gem on a mostly undeserving world? Well, I guess I’m just an altruist at heart. I’m all about healing and closure. Plus, I need to make $1000 to get my connection out of jail.
So please consider reading my book. It’s very good, or so I’ve heard. Haven’t read it myself. But the parts I remember while writing it were sublime, I promise you. Seriously, you should order a copy. Please. I mean, I had several hundred of these things printed, and they’re taking up so much space in my brother’s garage that I have nowhere to put all of my Jehovah’s Witness literature (no, I’m not a member—just a collector). So unless you want me to come knocking on your door to hand out this stuff…BUY THE BOOK!!!
Just click on the icon and start your journey towards total and complete rapture. Or…rupture? Vulture? Whatever. I can’t keep that shit straight.
As an added incentive, with the first 100 orders I’m offering free photos of my last girlfriend taking a shower (lawsuit not included).
Terrorists attacks were thwarted when several explosive packages were seized from cargo jets bound for Chicago, triggering worldwide fears of a new terror campaign. One of the devices contained a printer toner cartridge…
Bombs crafted from toner cartridges? Since when did the terrorists begin to hate not only us, but also our printers? Something tells me that they have never accepted the general shift from the traditional New Times Roman to the more modern Courier font and are now making society pay.
I just dread the Armageddon that will ensue if we ever switch to Helvetica.
In Tennessee, a woman named Carol Buckley is disputing her ejection from the home she lives in on the grounds of an elephant sanctuary she co-founded 15 years ago…
On the elephants’ part, they protested by standing on their hind legs, each with a large ball balanced on its heads with a letter written on it spelling out “Save Carol!”
On this date in 1858, Rowland Macy opened his first New York store in Manhattan.
The next day, on October 29, 1858, he held the first ‘One-Day Sale.’
In 1886 the Statue of Liberty was dedicated.
We are still trying to figure out if the French were sincerely giving us a present or if it was actually some kind of gag gift to test our gullibility. Which would mean we fell for it and they’ve been secretly laughing at us this entire time.
On this date in 2005 George W. Bush visited the state of Florida during the aftermath of Hurricane Wilma.
Upon arriving, he immediately announced his condolences to the family–Fred & Pebbles–and their neighbors, the Rubbles.
Meanwhile, Tropical Storm Beta formed in the Caribbean Sea.
There was no damage or loss of life, however, because–luckily–it wasn’t the actual storm itself, but just a beta version.
Archaeologists have have discovered hundreds of Bronze Age mummies in the Xinjiang desert region of northwestern China. Some of the mummies were remarkably intact and, surprisingly, some appear to be Caucasian, contrary to the widely-held belief that Caucasians did not inhabit this area for another 1,000 years.
However, I think it is simply an example of not only the instinctual Caucasian spirit of adventure but also a tribute to the lengths some Caucasians would go, even centuries ago, in search of some good Xinjiang Chicken
They were found in various positions and situations, many of which tell a story:
For instance, a couple presumed to be husband and wife were found together, the woman’s mouth in a grimace.
Experts believe she may have been berating him for either snoring, leaving wet towels on the floor, or forgetting her birthday.
Another man, buried with a strange hat and a bag of marijuana, may have been a healer.
Healer, dealer…why split hairs? Although with the strange hat, he might’ve been just another pimp.
Another man was found wearing a plaid fabric, similar to a Scottish kilt.
However, he was wearing a striped shirt, and it is believed he may have been executed for criminally-bad fashion.
One woman had hair infested with lice, and she had ingested considerable amounts of sand, dust, and charcoal.
It is believed she may have been an early example of Chinese ‘heroin chic.’
And the archaeologists were stunned to find one man that was not only obviously Caucasian, but looked almost exactly like one of the men in the archaeological group itself. But it was later discovered that it was in fact the same man, and he’d simply fallen asleep during the excavation.
On this date in 2001 George W. Bush signed the Patriot Act, giving authorities ability to search, seize, detain or eavesdrop in their pursuit of terrorists…
On this date in 2005, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmahdinejad declared Israel “a disgraceful blot” that should be “wiped off the map.”
It is not known if he considered using a Shamwow!
In any case, hairdressers around the world utilized the occasion to make the statement that Ahmahdinejad’s haircut was also a disgraceful blot that should be wiped off the map…and then given a layered, brush-cut with subtle gray highlights.