I heard on the radio today that the ability to exercise will power is largely dependent on your overall health, particularly diet. In other words, if you’re well-fed, you have more will power. Or, to put it another way, the best way to keep from overeating is to, well…eat.
The good news is that from now on, anytime you see a skinny person on the street, you’re justified in running up to them and shouting, “You weak, spineless, piece of shit! You make me sick!”
A few weeks ago I read an editorial by Ann Coulter in which she explained why Newt Gingrich would be a bad choice for the Republican party nominee. At one point she essentially called Gingrich crazy.
That’s the point at which I realized that Gingrich really would be a bad choice for the Republicans. It has nothing to do with his politics or anything; I just figure that if Ann Coulter says someone is crazy…well, that’s a pretty solid endorsement.
Why is everyone so freaked out about the ancient Mayan prediction of the end of the world? I mean, we don’t follow anything else the ancient Mayans did; we don’t go around performing human sacrifices, we don’t generally wear face paint and perform war dances, we don’t build pyramids…but suddenly we believe in their calendar? That would be like not believing anything espoused by the Mormon religion, but then suddenly deciding it’s okay for men to have more than one wife….
….hmmm. Perhaps I spoke too soon. I may need to revisit this Mayan thing. More later….
On a Sunday in early December, seven teenagers broke into a high school in Lompoc, California, in the middle of the day. While inside, they broke into the teachers’ lounge, the library, and the cafeteria, where they actually ate some food.
WTF????!!! What, were these guys sitting around on a Sunday afternoon, maybe smoking Spice (or sniffing glue, which is still my favorite), and suddenly they say to each other, “Hey, you know what’d taste GREAT right now? CAFETERIA FOOD!!!!!”
I mean, seriously, the cafeteria? The teachers’ lounge? The LIBRARY? I suppose it’s possible that this was simply a group of very unpracticed young criminals, but I suspect something more sinister; I’m thinking it was a group of rogue nerds. Authorities should beware.
I can’t believe it’s been over six months since my last entry. But I have to admit right up front–this one is my fault. For the longest time I had a problem with my laptop–it got stuck closed, with the lid down–and I could not get it open. So I finally gave up. Until a few days ago when a friend who was visiting me pointed out that what I thought was my laptop was actually a cutting board…
…Y’know, I thought it looked a little scratched-up. I guess it’s time to get my eyes checked.
One more thing…I have sat through yet another year of pro football, and I still cannot get used to, or accept, the continually-growing phenomenon of players doing stupid, asinine dances and making ridiculous gestures after making a good play. I mean, it looks more like a high-school girls’ dance party than a pro football game.
However, in their defense, I suppose part of the reason the players perform these ridiculous routines is because they can. I mean, they’re probably thinking they should get it out of their system while they’re still young enough to do so. As they get older, their bodies might not be able to continue to perform all those twists and contortions. Especially after menopause.
Anyway, belated Christmas greetings to all. And, to my pagan friends, belated Happy Halloween.
RETURN OF THE BLOG
I can’t believe that it’s been 3½ months since my last posting! Sorry. I was at Costco and made the mistake of getting in line behind someone buying an apartment complex. And then, just as he got up to the register, he realized it was missing 3 parking spaces and a swimming pool. Lucky he caught it when he did. The only thing longer than the lines at Costco is the line for RETURNS at Costco.
But I’m back now, at least for a month or so (I’m scheduled to have a nervous breakdown in June, but I haven’t gotten the time off work yet, so that’s still kinda up in the air…)
In any case, just before Christmas I self-published a book of some of my comedy essays and other humorous pieces, including a short play and even a crossword puzzle. Why, you might ask, would I deem to bestow this literary gem on a mostly undeserving world? Well, I guess I’m just an altruist at heart. I’m all about healing and closure. Plus, I need to make $1000 to get my connection out of jail.
So please consider reading my book. It’s very good, or so I’ve heard. Haven’t read it myself. But the parts I remember while writing it were sublime, I promise you. Seriously, you should order a copy. Please. I mean, I had several hundred of these things printed, and they’re taking up so much space in my brother’s garage that I have nowhere to put all of my Jehovah’s Witness literature (no, I’m not a member—just a collector). So unless you want me to come knocking on your door to hand out this stuff…BUY THE BOOK!!!
Just click on the icon and start your journey towards total and complete rapture. Or…rupture? Vulture? Whatever. I can’t keep that shit straight.
As an added incentive, with the first 100 orders I’m offering free photos of my last girlfriend taking a shower (lawsuit not included).
Terrorists attacks were thwarted when several explosive packages were seized from cargo jets bound for Chicago, triggering worldwide fears of a new terror campaign. One of the devices contained a printer toner cartridge…
Bombs crafted from toner cartridges? Since when did the terrorists begin to hate not only us, but also our printers? Something tells me that they have never accepted the general shift from the traditional New Times Roman to the more modern Courier font and are now making society pay.
I just dread the Armageddon that will ensue if we ever switch to Helvetica.
In Tennessee, a woman named Carol Buckley is disputing her ejection from the home she lives in on the grounds of an elephant sanctuary she co-founded 15 years ago…
On the elephants’ part, they protested by standing on their hind legs, each with a large ball balanced on its heads with a letter written on it spelling out “Save Carol!”
On this date in 1858, Rowland Macy opened his first New York store in Manhattan.
The next day, on October 29, 1858, he held the first ‘One-Day Sale.’
In 1886 the Statue of Liberty was dedicated.
We are still trying to figure out if the French were sincerely giving us a present or if it was actually some kind of gag gift to test our gullibility. Which would mean we fell for it and they’ve been secretly laughing at us this entire time.